So in a strange twist of irony, there's actually a fair bit of information about Chinese scooters on the very Internet said nation makes every attempt to censor. Before long, I found this wiring diagram:
Intimidating at first, eventually it started to make sense. As some kind of half-assed anti-theft system, two of the wires are for "On," and the other two are for "Off." Certainly leaves open the possibility of having both circuits closed.
So I gathered I'd need to pull apart the ignition connector, then connect the red and black leads. That's really more straightforward than I was thinking it would be. Also necessary to start is holding the rear brake and making sure you're not an idiot and left the kill switch on.
Check boxes checked, I set about stomping furiously at the kick-start. I actually got it to turn over encouragingly. Once.
My first throught is it may be flooded. Which could be why she abandoned it. Back to the Google.